


The Comfort of a Friend

by 3trees



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Marco death, Sadfuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 15:38:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9242093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3trees/pseuds/3trees
Summary: To cope with the loss of Marco and the realization of his mortality at the hands of the Titans, Jean finds comfort in the arms of Sasha. But he finds that the physical comfort means more to him than just that.





	

As hard as he had tried to hold back the ugly retching in his throat, Jean could do nothing but finally succumb to his overwhelming misery and let the tears roll down his cheeks. He gripped the bone fragment in hand until the sharp burned edge pierced the skin of his palm. The sobbing Cadet felt the warm ooze of his own vitality drip through his fingers, but the pain radiating from his own heart was sharper than the bone in his hand. He didn’t even know whose bone he was crying over; whether it was a veteran Garrison officer or a young rookie with her entire career in front of her or….a fellow Cadet…

Jean choked on a fresh wave of tears as the face of his freckled best friend flashed before his eyes. His legs could no longer support the weight of his guilt and he fell to his knees. His comrades-in-arms looked at him with varying expressions: confusion, shock, helplessness, guilt. None of them knew how to react to their appointed leader showing such vulnerability. The dull light of the pyre danced across his tear-streaked face, making him almost unrecognizable from the man who commanded them and led them through a vicious attack from their predators. Every one of them had watched him suffer for three years through the rigorous training you needed to become a soldier, every one of them had suffered beside him. They each felt a bond with him. Yet all of them were speechless to his despair.

Not knowing how to comfort their grieving friend, one by one they all left, as they could see no other option. Finally, there was only one that remained, watching his despondency. Sasha Blouse stared at Jean, trying desperately to figure out how to bring back the man that she would vow to follow into hell. She wanted to say something, say anything; at the same time she wanted to run away and forget about the funeral pyre containing her friends, forget about the titans and the horrifying havoc that they wreck, forget about the broken soldier in front of her. But she couldn’t bear to leave him in this state. Finally, Sasha opened her mouth and whispered, barely audible over the crackle of the fire, “Jean, I…I’m so sorry.” 

Jean didn’t respond for a couple seconds. He did not look at her, and his eyes were hidden by the shadows cast by the pyre. He managed to quiet himself enough to choke out, “Sorry…you’re sorry. For what?” he asked, his voice gaining volume. “Did you lead the titan to him? Did you sabotage Marco’s gear and leave him defenseless? Did you kill him?” Jean slowly rose to his feet, his eyes still hidden.

Sasha drew back involuntarily, shocked by the barrage of questions. “N-no, of course not! How could you even-” 

“Then what do you have to be sorry for?! All you have is empty apologies for things that have nothing to do with you!” Jean approached Sasha suddenly, allowing her to see his eyes for the first time. They were enraged and despairing, but more than that, they were desperate. They pleaded and begged Sasha silently for an answer, for something to justify Marco’s death; an answer that no one could give him. He grabbed her shoulders and forced her to stare into his amber irises and the tears pooling once again in the corners. “I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to join the Survey Corps, for him. I wi  
ll live on, and I will fight in his honor. There’s nothing else I can do for him. Now leave me alone.” 

Jean let Sasha go and turned away from her, but she gripped his arm tightly. “No!” she shouted. “We’re not done here! You can’t be serious, joining the Survey Corps after seeing what those… those things can do!” 

Jean jerked away from her grasp. “It doesn’t matter. This isn’t my choice anymore. This is for him. I…I’ll make Marco proud.” 

“Then…Then I’ll join the Corps too. I won’t let you do this alone, getting yourself killed is not honoring Marco’s name. Don’t walk away, Jean!” 

Sasha grabbed his arm again and he whirled towards her, his face angry and tear-streaked and inches from hers. A growl resonated deep from his chest. “Don’t you dare throw away your life for me, and don’t you dare talk to me about honoring...Marco’s…name…” He trailed off, the scorching eyes of both Cadets hot enough to spark a fire. A tense moment of silence passed.

Suddenly, Jean lunged forward, meeting his lips with hers in a moment of feral passion, a mixture of rage and desperation. His hands grasped her face, as if to cradle it, but instead keeping her from moving away. Sasha, however, did not try to move away. Words, emotions, incomprehensible thoughts froze her as they rushed through her head at a thousand kilometers an hour. “It’s wrong,” one thought bellowed. “He’s hurting,” screamed another. “Kiss him back,” whispered the last one. Instinct listened to the last thought as her eyes slid shut, and she responded fervently, parting his lips with hers and gasping against him. Suddenly, he pushed her back slightly so their lips were barely touching, still clutching her head in his hands as they panted and gasped for breath.

“Meet me at headquarters,” he breathed. “twenty minutes.” When Sasha finally got the nerve to open her eyes, Jean was gone. She could scarcely believe that she had not hallucinated that entire exchange. She touched her lips, feeling his hunger still lingering on them. “He’s not thinking straight,” she thought to herself. “This would be so wrong. You can’t do this to him. You can’t do this to yourself.” And though these thoughts repeated in her mind over and over again, she didn’t even notice the dying fire of her comrades as she walked away, towards the HQ.

Fifteen minutes later, Sasha stood in the darkness of the main room of the first floor of HQ waiting tensely for her rendezvous. Jean appeared behind her and spun her around, kissing her roughly. “For a second I wasn’t sure if you’d meet me,” he muttered as he kissed down her neck. Sasha tried to reply, but found that her mouth was preoccupied with other activities. He tore off his jacket and harness and she did the same, discarding them on the wooden floor. Jean pulled his collared shirt over his head and threw it to the side and dexterously undid the buttons of Sasha’s button-down, nearly tearing the fabric a couple time in his ardent fervor. Their skin pressed against each other’s eagerly, craving nothing more than the warmth of each other’s body heat. Sasha reveled in the feeling of his hot, toned body against hers, but Jean had something different from body appreciation in mind. He easily lifted her up so that her legs straddled his waist and carried her to a maneuver gear repair table where he laid her down, kissing her eagerly all the way there. Through the passion and urgency, Sasha could still feel hot tears on his cheeks that would wet her own face as they kissed or would drip onto her naked stomach as he satiated his lustful appetite. Every frantic thrust into her was a desperate want to feel something other than despair. This was not love; this was need. Deep down, Sasha knew this. Through her shut eyes, she could still see the desolate face of her friend, and it brought tears to her own eyes because she knew that this was the only thing she could do to comfort him.

________________________________________

Graduation day. Erwin Smith stood in front of over a hundred Cadets, giving a somber and dark speech about life in the Survey Corps. His eyes analyzed the faces of each of the recruits, resting on Jean’s stony expression and then Sasha’s slowly growing terror. As Erwin’s facts about the Corp became bleaker and bleaker, the pit in Sasha’s grew deeper and deeper. She was terrified – petrified, of what she might face as a member of the Survey Corps. Images flashed through her mind from her first battle against the titans; the looks on the faces of her friends as they took their last look at sunlight before being swallowed, the screams of terror as they were gripped in the unforgiving hands of the apex predator, every beat of her own heart not knowing which will be her last…

Jean’s thoughts were similar, but less uncertain. He knew what he had to do. He’d made a promise to Marco, to that bone he’d clutched so tightly in front of the pyre, and he was not keen on going back on the promise because of his fear. But that didn’t stop him from being afraid. The terrifying images of the titans still assaulted his mind. If he joined the Military Police, he could fool himself into believing that he was living a cushy life; he would never have to lay eyes on another titan again. But he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that. 

Erwin finished his speech. He was asking all who did not want to join the Survey Corps to leave. Those who stayed would be welcomed into the Corps. A smothering hush had fallen over the Cadets as the gears in their heads turned. Two broke the tension as they turned away and left. Then two more. Then more. 

Sasha looked back at the flood of recruits leaving to join the Garrison or the Military Police. It was like she was standing against the current of a powerful river, being pulled by the influence of her comrades’ choices. The terror of the giant monsters seemed so much more real and palpable. The images in her head seemed less like memories and more like visions of the coming future, should she choose to join the Survey Corps. Her feet almost carried her to follow them, when she saw Jean in the corner of her eye. He was shaking and his fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. He was obviously horrified. The same fears were going through his own mind. But he had no intention of running away. 

After seeing his determination in the face of such fear, Sasha was suddenly ashamed of her willingness to run away so easily. A promise echoed in her head, a promise she’d made to a broken man. “Then…Then I’ll join the Corp too. I won’t let you do this alone, getting yourself killed is not honoring Marco’s name.” She couldn’t run away. She’d made a promise, even if he didn’t remember it. She turned and stared ahead of her at the stage where the commander of the Survey Corps stood waiting to see who would join his cause. Her feet still felt the urge to flee, but she no longer felt the temptation to give in to their temptation.

Finally, the sound of footsteps had faded away. Another silence fell over the now much smaller group as Commander Erwin surveyed those who had stayed. He smiled slightly and welcomed the newest members of the Survey Corps. The ceremony was over. The futures of all those who had stayed, including Jean and Sasha, were set in stone. Whether it was tomorrow or in a year, they were all going to die by the hands and teeth of titans.

The crowd began to disperse. Some looked as determined as ever, accepting their fate with open arms. Others put on a brave face, but the sheen of sweat across their brow betrayed their fear. Jean seemed to be a mixture of the two. He walked away from the stage resolute, but not at all eager to spend his last night in the Cadet barracks. He saw the brunette from the corner of his eye, but prayed to God that she had not seen him. Unfortunately for him, she had.

“Jean.” He stopped in his tracks, keeping his eyes facing forward as Sasha approached him from the side. “We should talk.” He forced himself to turn his head and look her in the eyes.

“About what?” Jean asked innocently. He knew exactly what she was talking about, but he couldn’t help but delay the situation as long as he possibly could.

Sasha crossed her arms, not replying. It was a stupid question, Jean had to admit. But watching his comrade lift her arms to cross them across her chest, he noticed the slightest of shaking. She was afraid, and she needed to talk. Needed to be reassured. “We’ve barely talked since…you know…” 

“Since we fucked?” Jean coughed out a bitter, humorless laugh. Sasha swallowed. She hadn’t intended him to be so direct about it, but she nodded, going along with it. “Sasha, I was in pain. I needed something to distract myself from…him…and you happened to provide an excellent distraction.” 

Sasha felt a dull ache. She figured it hadn’t meant much to him, but it still stung hearing him say it. But after a moment of being hurt, the corners of her mouth turned up slightly at his wording: she was excellent at “distracting” him.

“Besides,” he continued, smirking at Sasha’s satisfied expression. “You didn’t seem too opposed to distracting me. And you showed up, didn’t you?” She didn’t respond, because she didn’t have an argument against him. Jean prepared to walk away from her, but then considered Sasha’s shaking arms; she must really be rattled. The titan attacks had affected her perhaps the most negatively. Her attitude had changed drastically since the battle for Trost. And now, she had almost certainly pledged her life away. Jean sighed and took a step towards her, staring deep into her eyes. “Though….Maybe I’ve been selfish.” 

Sasha’s arms tightened against her chest. She was trying desperately to quell their quivering, to no avail. In fact, as Jean tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, she felt the nervous shaking become even more prominent. “Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to be…distracted.” He slowly leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, lightly wrapping his hands around her waist. This made crossed arms uncomfortable, forcing Sasha to lower them. She wanted to turn away, she wanted for them not to use each other like this. But she was powerless against him. 

At her positive response, Jean deepened the kiss, using his hands to pull her forward so that their bodies were touching. Her hands rose from her sides to wrap around his neck; she could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stiffen as she played with his hair. He traced her lips with his tongue, coaxing them open. As things started to get heated, he pulled away from her and whispered, his voice heavy with seduction, “How about we spend our last night in the Cadet barracks together…Follow me, I know an empty bedroom.” 

Jean turned away abruptly, beginning to job away in the direction of the barracks. Sasha groaned at his teasing and chased after him, momentarily forgetting about her guilty thoughts. When they arrived at the barracks, they snuck past the sleeping forms of their friends into a deserted bedroom. 

The moment the door shut behind them, Jean pinned Sasha against the wall using his own body. The room had one window in it with a crescent moon shining through, allowing for limited visibility. The difficulty to see only heightened their sense of touch. If Jean had been selfish before, he definitely wasn’t selfish now. Every move he made was dedicated to her pleasure. He peeled off every layer of her clothes, trailing his fingertips on her bare skin. His lips ravished every inch of her naked body, alternately biting and sucking on her skin until her legs practically turned to jelly. Silently, he reflected on Sasha’s beauty; her subtle curves and toned muscles, her brunette hair splayed behind her, her eyes the color of polished bronze… Jean felt a new kind of spark for her, something different than purely physical. 

When he could feel her legs start to give out, he spun her around and laid her on the bed. Watching her chest heave up and down with hungry eyes, Jean tore his own clothes off and crawled on top of her. To Jean, this was different from before. There were no tears and there was no desperation or urgency. There was only sensation and pleasure and a sudden need to please Sasha in whatever way she needed it. But to Sasha, the only thing different about this was that it was less rough than before. She saw it as nothing more than a debt being paid; as one friend doing for another as they would for the other. It was mindless sex. And as much as she hated this fact, she knew that there was nothing more to be expected from Jean.

And, with two very different mindsets, Sasha and Jean spent their last night in the barracks together.

 

________________________________________

 

The next day, they began as new recruits for the Survey Corps. Jean and Sasha spent the majority of their time learning formations commonly used in the Corps during their exploration missions. Jean meant to talk to Sasha about that night; unlike the first time, he really did have things to say about what happened that night between them. Sasha, however, did not seem keen on talking about it. More than once he tried to stop her as they exited their classroom, but she only ignored him and turned away. 

As far as Sasha was concerned, their business was done with each other. They had repaid each other in full. At least, that’s what she told herself. In truth, she couldn’t bear to look at him, let alone speak with him. Ever since that night, all she saw when she looked at him was his skin glowing in the dim moonlight as he pleasured her and his glowing eyes as they worshipped her body. She loved the way he’d looked at her like that. She saw him now in his familiar state of solemn resolution, knowing that the look of reverence that he’d given her had been nothing more than a blissful dream. It made her heart ache, and she didn’t need any more aching in her body. She had bigger things to worry about than a boy.

These “bigger things” mostly concerned the upcoming expedition outside the walls. Though they didn’t tell the new recruits much about the journey, every new member of the Survey Corps knew that it would be dangerous. They had no idea how many of their fellow soldiers would not return from the expedition; how long did each of them have left to live? Another day? Another week? Would they see their home again after the journey? Everyone was on edge.

Despite the stakes riding on the expedition and the odds being against every new recruit, Jean couldn’t put his full focus into learning the rules and ways of the Survey Corps. His mind kept wandering to that last night with Sasha. They would walk past each other and he’d get a whiff of her scent, that intoxicating smell that he’d wrapped himself up in that night. It’d take all his self-control to keep walking forward after passing her. He had to say something; after all, he didn’t know how much time they had left together. But every attempt he made, Sasha rebuffed him. She rejected his every move and he could barely get close to her without her running the other way.

Finally, the dawn of the fateful day arrived. Every member of the Survey Corps saddled their horses, knowing full well that this could be the last day they spend on earth. As every Corps member contemplated their own mortality, Jean caught sight of Sasha preparing her horse. The familiar freckled face of a young soldier appeared in his head, sending shooting pains through his heart. “You may never see her again, Jean. Don’t make the same mistake you did with me,” the soldier told Jean, as clearly as if he was standing right in front of him. Jean swallowed, knowing the vision of his friend was right.

Jean briskly walked up behind Sasha, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her around. She opened her mouth to make an excuse to walk away, but he wouldn’t have it. “Just listen to me, okay?” he asserted. “I know you’ve been avoiding me, probably because you don’t want to talk about what happened between us. But I do. You don’t have to talk, just listen to me. I don’t care if you didn’t feel anything that night, but you have to know how I felt. I didn’t tell Marco how I felt about him before he died…and I regret that, with all of my heart. I am not one to make the same mistake twice.” Sasha inhaled sharply, but Jean could not stop the words flowing out of his mouth. “Let me finish! Sasha, of all of our friends and comrades in arms, you’re the only one that ever made me feel alive again. I owe you the world for that. And I don’t know if what I’m feeling is love, but I’m damn sure not going to take any chances by toning down how I feel. So here it is: I love you, Sasha Blouse. I needed you to know that before we go into the fray knowing we might not come back. And I really, really don’t want you to die out there today.” 

Jean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He turned around to go back to his horse and mount it so they could be off, but she grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Jean, it was my promise to you that gave me the courage to join the Corps,” she confessed quietly. He turned back, looking Sasha straight in her clear copper eyes. He had never seen them look so sure before. “And you’re right; I can’t take the chance on you not knowing the extent of my feelings by toning them down. I love you too. The nights I spent with you were some of the greatest of my entire life. And if I go down, they’re damn sure gonna be the last things on my mind.”

Jean’s eyes shined. He was at a loss for words. There was no way to build on that any more, so he did what any other sane man would: he kissed her. It was pure and filled with emotion; every unspoken feeling of affection was contained in that single romantic action. No more desperation, no more distractions; just pure, unadulterated adoration. 

They pulled away at the same time, a newfound light in their eyes. Sasha smiled slightly and whispered almost pleadingly, “Come back alive.” 

There was no waver in Jean’s reply. “I’ll see you when we get home.”


End file.
